Disclaimer: All words and views expressed here are not to be misconstrued as facts, but are the sole opinion of the author.
This article is not meant to be psychological or spiritual advice. The author is not a psychologist or psychiatrist. Please consult with a licensed professional if you a facing any sort of difficulty.
You had another argument with him where he blamed, criticized and gaslighted you.
You stormed off and decided that you won’t call or text.
Then, you don’t hear from him for two days.
Suddenly, he shows up unannounced at your workplace, demanding your attention.
You think to yourself, “He cares about me…. He missed me…. He wants to make things right.” After all, why else would he gallantly show up to my workplace announced, wanting to see me?
Well… under normal circumstances, this might have been true. However, if you are dealing with a narcissist, this more than likely happened because you were starving him of emotional fuel.
For a narcissist, emotional fuel is basically any sort of reaction. It doesn’t matter if it is positive or negative. It could be as nonchalant as a twinkle in your eye or as obvious as a slap.
And, as a narcissist does not recognize boundaries, (well… they can fake it depending on the circumstances),…. But yes- back to what I was saying- as they do not recognize boundaries, he showed up to your workplace unannounced to ensure that you are ‘under control’. He walked in, saw the expression on your face- surprise, apprehension, whichever or whatever it was that you felt. You then had a discussion, and now he feels satisfied; you are back under control.
The relationship goes into a rosy period again and you feel great. He is the world’s best boyfriend again.
A few months go by, then he crushes you all over again. And on and on it goes. A never-ending cycle.
The problem is- each time the abuse gets worse. Whether it’s verbal or physical or both. It wears you down until you no longer recognize yourself.
You often wonder if he even has a conscience. And you would be correct if you reasoned that he does not have one.
Do They Even Have a Soul?
Even worse, as these individuals have no real personality of their own, it is not surprising that there is a school of thought that they have no soul.
And one of the most fascinating things is how well they can mimic empathy and love; two emotions that they are simply devoid of.
What Happened? Was it Me?
Observing a narcissist in action is almost scary. Scary because it is so hard to wrap your head around what you are seeing. From words, to voice, to body language and gestures, you name it, everything; everything is almost perfect when they are ‘hunting their prey’.
This is why it is so difficult for people who have been in narcistic relationships to believe that it was in fact, all an act. It was never real. The emotions, the feelings, the ‘love’, these things were never real.
It is not that they faded over time, or that he somehow changed. It is that these things were never there to begin with.
Narcissists do not feel love for anyone, not even themselves, their parents or even their children. This is something that a victim has a very difficult time grasping.
When a victim is in the ‘courtship’ (or the ‘catching the prey’) stage, the narcissist’s entire being transforms into the perfect person. Your perfect person.
Which is why when the initial, perfect and grandiose period ends, and the narcissist starts to verbally abuse and devalue you, your head goes into a complete tailspin. What did I do wrong?
It really is quite shocking as to how well narcissists can blend in and ‘play the part’.
When he changed, and started to devalue you, you thought to yourself, “How did things get this way? When I met Robert, he was so charming… We went to the movies every Saturday, we had fun gardening together… I even went out of my way to help him with his hobbies, like learning other languages… I thought we were having fun! Everything was perfect! What happened?!”
They are a Void; There is Nothing Inside
Unfortunately, having no personality of their own means that their preferences, and their likes and dislikes, are either taken from someone else, or influenced by their narcissism:
The gardening- he got from the ex he was with when he was 25 years old.
Slurping his coffee- a habit he picked up from his cousin, Detrick.
Practicing other languages- a co-worker walked into the office one day 5 years ago, and started splattering other languages in the conversation to impress the boss, and he decided that doing that would be useful for his career.
And there you have it. That is Robert.
He is an amalgamation of a select group of people that he has come into contact with. People that his narcissism-brain had deemed would be a worthy addition to fill the shell that he is.
How Do You Get Out?
This is where this article will start to drift into woo woo territory. So, if you do not believe in the matrix, or that this reality is (to an extent), a controlled environment- now is the time to look away.
Unfortunately, as we do live in a matrix, unless you are a brand-new soul (or an NPC (non-player character)), well… that soul-less partner, parent or child, probably is your karma. Fortunately, though, nothing lasts forever, and you do not have to stay in the situation.
You might need some help from a spiritual being or leader, like a Shaman, to help to clear your energies, or give you more insight on what you need to do to be able to mentally detangle yourself first from this individual. Where your mind goes, your body will follow. The forces that exist, do not want you to de-tangle yourself from the parasite (yes, parasite- as they are a form of energy vampire)… Once they are in your life, they are draining your life force.
What can you do?
- Realize that a narcissist cannot change. It is a physical and emotional impossibility. What are you changing? There is nothing there. They are a fusion of select traits from other people, mixed with mimicked emotions as a way to function in society.
- Work on yourself. If you do not value yourself enough to not allow someone to make you their physical or verbal punching bag, you have a lot of inner work to do. There is no world where this is okay, and if you do not value yourself, why should someone else value you?
- Find someone to confide in. Of course, it can feel embarrassing to let someone know that the ‘perfect’ partner is actually a raging ill-brained individual… and in some cases, even a sociopath or a psychopath… But, talking to someone will help you see what your options are.
- Get help and make a plan of escape. (You can find professionals that can help with this with a quick google search).
Indeed, escaping a narcissist is no easy feat.
But, if you don’t save yourself, no one else will.